Year 2 at SGU -

June 3, 2016

0013

 VERY informal writing and reflection of my med schooling

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So sometimes I ask myself, why this and why now? 

I experience cyclical doubting syndrome -often -unfortunately. but that is what happens when in a challenging, painful and elongated circumstance. some might ask why i do it when it is this hard-i would think because the reward is worth the battle. it is tough to see the victory in the thick of a gruesome battle-always has been historically. people will be hurt and patience, endurance and commitment to the cause will waver in moments of exhaustion. but for some reason i keep fighting. I can't stop because the stopping hurts more than the continuing. so i must continue. i sometimes wonder if i am beating against a brick wall-something just not meant for me to have breakthrough with. but then I look up and ask God, why? I trust Him too much to have these hypothetical moments of insanity. And it’s not wrong to write about my conviction of His grace and will for my life. I trust Him too much to think it's been meaningless. He knows what He's doing-I know that.

looking back i always think i could have done better-but also looking back i know i just wasn't there mentally to have done better. it was because of time and experience that i learned. and now when i look back i see the growth or lack of. i have realized only recently that the preparation is continuous. i would have never been ready for med school. no matter how many times i could have taken the mcat, applied, volunteered….yes all that would have definitely changed me and prepared me. but even today, i am convinced that nothing would have changed me back then quite like how school has changed me in the past 1.5 years. maybe better council or maybe people to push me harder would have accelerated the process. but i didn't have that or maybe not to the extent that i now think would have been necessary. 

today i do really believe that the struggle, shortcomings, perseverance and trust in the lord were the ONLY things that taught me what I have come to know at this moment in time....consider when someone sends their child to swim lessons, the child -over time-develops the skill to swim independently. initially they are fully dependent and trusting on their instructor keeping them afloat. then at some point, they are set “free” in the water. this freedom occurs at some point- when at least a 50% (percentage made up by me) of a comfort level and competence level have been achieved. consider this in contrast to some parents who push the child into the water and directly command them to “swim”... the child either swims or drowns. while i would like to say i prefer swimming lessons and have been under this mind set for a while (of course it depends on the circumstance…)

i am beginning to see the value in jumping straight into the water-and although it is scary, the struggle is intense, you are solely dependent on the only One who can keep you afloat. He orchestrates the rhythm your muscles ultimately find in order to stay afloat. It is a process not out of your doing or control. your skill is initially absent as a result of never having been taught how to swim-but the swimming that results-it’s a result of His grace alone.

so, hopefully that little analogy helps to relay my thoughts on my time in school so far. 

yes, i could talk about the classes and get into the details of academia...but for this particular outlet, I want to give that a break (I am currently on a quick summer break) 

i will return to school in a few weeks, and even though I have learned a great deal of things which are preparing me to be a doctor, i STILL fully expect to approach this remaining year of basic sciences as though it's me jumping feet first into the water for the first time-because in all honesty, each class is as though i am learning to swim for the first time....

I hold onto this promise...His grace is made perfect in my weakness. 

Day 363

Day 363 

12/29/15

As the end of the year approaches I have SO much to look back on.
What a jam packed 363 days thus far.

I remember this exact time a year ago-I was with my family and friends preparing to embark on a new chapter. And let me say that 'that chapter' was one of the most memorable and unique years so far. A real page turner. Almost NOTHING went as planned and yet everything worked out so amazingly well.
-All the glory to God for that!-
I could say that I tried hard and studied and persevered but nothing quite connects all the puzzle pieces the way the Lord does.

Being honest, I had a tough start to the year. I had no idea what to think of starting med school this past January. Looking back, even though I thought I was prepared to begin living in a different country and starting a tough curriculum, the only 'preparation' was really learning in the moment and moving forward. I learned a lot, I was frequently disappointment in myself and to top it off, I was so focused on my fear of failure-that I was blinding any amount of faith within me.

So.... considering all of that-My prayer above all else this year was "Your will Lord." And that was and continues to be a tough prayer. It is a simple prayer that I used when I didn't know where to start   and what I said again after presenting specific requests to the Lord.


The night before my last final I was completely alone in one of the study halls. It was really amazing actually. My study mates had left and no one remained in the building. I had never been alone like that in a large study hall before. Even though the initial thoughts running through my mind were "heck YES! I have the place to myself!" I sat there and realized that my success that term was a result of the amazing people I had working with and around me. Our combined efforts to help each other and teach each other made a remarkable difference. This past term ended amazing! I won't hold back on the measurable progress because I worked hard, prayed hard and definitely came out of my final exams with grades that reflected that.

In conclusion,
2016-bring it.

-M.H.-

Deuteronomy 31:6
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid-for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."

Post Midterm -

Oct 13
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The week following midterms...
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Just a few thoughts to share-
Midterms went well. I studied hard and it payed off. I am learning the truth of  the saying "you reap what you sew." I have to put in the time and effort and the results will come. Easier said than done!

After exams- we took a gorgeous boat ride to another part of the island to celebrate and relax. It was perfect. The boat, the waves, the night sky, the company-it was really the most enjoyable weekend I have had because I literally had nothing that needed to get done after. Of course it rained every single day that we had off -but that didn't stop us from enjoying the beach, the city and just being outside. I HAD to get outside-I have been spending so much time in freezing cold study halls that I look as though I haven't seen the sun in ages and probably developed a vitamin D deficiency...which of course we learned all about.

Classes began again yesterday and we are back at it!

I am amazed at my interest in biochemistry. I never liked this subject -in fact I basically loathed it in college when I took a month long course of it.... but to see the complete 180 that my mind has done...it's amazing! I really think it's nothing less than a miracle! I think the main reason I enjoy it is because I get to connect the things we learn in class to what I was exposed to before medical school in regards to lab findings and drawing connections between he clinical vignettes presented in class to the ones I have actually seen. It is still tough-oh believe me I have to really work at it; does not come naturally at all-but I like what I am learning-and more importantly, I like what I am not only able to re-call but more so integrate with other subjects. Studying is similar to downloading information into a computer-I can save numerous documents and review them repeatedly, but the true test of my learning is when I have to recall the information and actually put it to use. That's the challenge!

Lastly...
Time is so critical. Some days I feel like I have all the time in the world (there are very few of these days), while other days I waste my time and wish for the clock to rewind. The time I am taking to write this could be spent doing something else-something more productive! BUT-time is going to keep going on regardless of how I wish for it to change-and I have to properly invest in the time I am allotted. Purposefully investing effort into the things and people I have committed to is not easy. It is often very challenging-however, these efforts will result in either success or failure.

.....for real

M.H

The challenge and the reward

Today we had our first set of exams (mini exams) of the term. I have been working SO hard every single day. My learning style is by repetition. I have to see it, write it, speak it, listen to it... over and over and over again. Some people just seem to 'get it' and sometimes I just 'get it' however, I have attributed my studying success to this repetition-the constant exposure and practice to engrain the skill and form the solid foundation I am going to need as a future physician and current student!

So,writing the exam was something I have been anxiously awaiting as it would be a good gauge as to the effectiveness of my studying.

The test was at 0900 today and after  cutting my studying off at midnight last night, I woke up early, quickly glanced over those last minute details and went to the exam where I felt pretty good for the majority of questions. There are always those concepts that I remember studying, writing down-I even remember the pages and colors-but I cannot make out the actual details in my mind that are needed to answer a particular question and that drives me nuts. NUTS! (That happened a few times today...I completely blanked on prion diseases and then jumbled the particular notes for different types of collagen and cartilage in the fore front of my mind).

After the test I knew that it had gone well and I was confident that I at least passed-but of course I wanted to do better than passing! Grades are not posted immediately. My friends and I went to the beach to 'relax'-something we have not done since before school began. It was so nice to take a breather after the work we have put in. Around here-a good weekend consists of using the extra two days of un-interuppted- 'no new information' time to study everything we have been thrown during the week in lecture. However, most (basically all) of our beach time this afternoon was spent arguing over our answers and defending why we each chose what we did. Ha-one girl kept yelling at us to 'just relax.' :) I am blessed to have such passionate study mates!

So in summation, my results came back.....good news! It was the confirmation and validation I needed. We don't get many chances to earn our points here-so the very few exams and quizzes we're given are really important. I can only thank God for how today went and more over-how the past 3 weeks have gone. It is really a daily thing. Like I said in the last post-'Repetition is the foundation of skill.' My performance is based on the things I practice over and over.

Lastly, as of now...I LOVE biochemistry!
It is my favorite class! (I hope this stays the case all term hahah). It is tough and requires time-but I love the breakthrough when I understand it-and go beyond just memorizing it. I like how it can be integrated with subjects like histology and anatomy and relating all these subjects to each other makes it more meaningful. I often think back to my undergrad days-when I took chemistry courses-ranging from general to organic-and always struggled. It is still hard-but there is something about it I like....

Ok-back to business. Next big exam is in 4 weeks with a bunch of little things in between. But those little things are additive in nature and will contribute to how I do.

Until then...!

-Prayer: Philippians 1:6 & 4:1-

Wow -time flies

2 weeks into school.

Time is flying by. 2 weeks have been like a mist-gone almost immediately after noticing that they happened. 

I keep thinking back to the start of last term and how this term feels entirely different- in a good way. Good study group, good routine, good attitude. 

Liking biochem a lot, tolerating histo.

Beyond blessed with study mates who I work well with. We hit the ground running from the get go and share the goal of not only doing well-but also learning the information for life and not just for the test (although that is required). Speaking of tests....we have one in a week. 

Beyond blessed in general. 

"Repetition is the foundation of skill." 

Very-very true. The more I expose myself to the information-the more familiar it becomes. 

Campus is a busy place lately-however I have found my own 'path' in term of getting where I need to go and seeing who I need to see because I have a more insightful perspective of things this term. It's amazing that the advice given 6 months ago is being used now-but that is how it goes...

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i always want what i cant have. 

always

…thinking this is a sign of being ungrateful. Not thankful for what i do have. 

maybe if i start thanking You for the blessings You have been gracious enough to give me even when I don't deserve them, I will be less distracted by the things I think I need and want and learn to be content and joyful with what I have already...

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Prayers appreciated and needed.

tired. 

good night. 

Back for more! August 2015

-Grenada. August 2015-

I love surprises...but this was not a good surprise:
Monday, August 10th at 10:22pm while casually packing my suitcase for another term of school, I looked at my ticket and realized that my flight was departing on August 11th at 12:30am.... in TWO hours...

Heart attack.

I had made the mistake of not seeing that the departure time was 12:30am...AM...
In my defense I usually use military time...I hate excuses...but anyways, there is my excuse. I own up to the fact that I seriously misread that ticket.

I felt my heart drop to my stomach (this is a sensation that intrigues me as does the saying) and called my parents informing them of this terrifying realization. I was supposed to already be at the airport, checked in, gone through security and long done with packing. Instead, I was panicking that I was going to miss my flight.

My family-being truly amazing-helped me stuff what necessities I needed into my bags. We raced out of the house, loaded the truck and sped to the airport. Of course there was traffic, road construction and a police was driving in front of us for a quarter of the time. We arrived at SEA-Tac at approximately 11:40pm thinking that this night might actually end reasonably. While unloading my baggage, my heart sank once again as I noticed a bag was missing. And of course not just any bag...The bag with all my school supplies and 'me things.' And food. Knowing that there was no time, I cut as many people in security and got to my gate with literally minutes to spare, boarded, proceeded to have 2 layovers, sit in the plane in Miami's terminal in the last seat (next to the bathroom) for three hours before departing, then arrive to Grenada at an ungodly hour only to be charged a massive amount of tax on my electronics. Still a little bitter if that's not apparent. Upon arriving to my room on campus, I realized that the past 24 hours had happened in a way that was so far from any agenda I had.

But here's the thing that I was recently told and can apply to that night and many more to come.
"Suck it up. Stop getting upset about it. Don't let whatever 'it' is compromise your studies. Don't rely on a second chance. Stop complaining, just study, just do it. Let it go and go learn."

AMEN.

I wrote those words down and like being 'told' that whenever I look at the sticky note that holds them on my wall. Not the most encouraging quote or phrase to read-but definitely straight forward and true. And sometimes that is exactly the reality that I need. (Of everyone, my mother is the type of woman to tell me things like this and I know she'd appreciate this).

Moving on....
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School starts Monday.
Honestly looking forward to it.
It won't be easy. It will be challenging. But I am here to work. Nothing new there.
Being here -in this specific setting-helps me focus on working hard. Studying at home was harder-but I have gotten into that working mode upon arriving here in GND.

I have made a few promises to myself for this term. Many of those promises are regarding my time and how I am going to study. I have some friends who are going to keep me accountable to those promises and appreciate that they are as serious about doing well too.

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Quick trip down memory lane...
Good summer.

Shadowed in a pediatric ER-found this to be difficult yet fun. I found myself relating pediatricians to veterinarians as they have to de-code 2 year old language and maneuvers that are not much different in sound or appearance than those of a dog.
Example: one of the kids was a 3 year old autistic boy with ill defined leg pain and limping. The differential was quite broad according to the doctor and his physical exam was not very conclusive. My question: Where do you start when all you get is an 'ouch' and some tears? I find this to be difficult because not only do you want to care for the child, but cater to the very concerned parent who was clearly scared enough to have brought him into the ER. The doctor started with imaging studies-of which she had to discuss radiation exposure and risk with his mother who is scared as to why he's in pain yet needs to act as his advocate to his well being and future health as well as understand the testing that is recommended and reasons why. So many factors to consider-it's amazing.

Not sure if I could do peds...Not sure why I am hesitant in regards to this age group...
They were always my favorite patients when working in the general ER, however, it was a little strange only seeing children (ours were mainly ages <1 year to 10 when shadowing at the Seattle Children's Hospital).  I did notice the overwhelming concern of the childrens' parents and rightly so. Imagine if your child, especially your one and only child, choking or falling or if they stopped breathing or being in a car accident...life stops for a moment and they feel helpless as parents. That's scary even for me as the witness to this -but as the parent...I can only imagine.

This shadowing experience was also helpful in regards to learning the different routes that one can take to pursue a career in emergency medicine and a traditional EM residency is not the only way to end up as an ER doc. This was very interesting and valuable knowledge to gain.

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Closing thought...It's been quite the journey since January and I am praying that the Lord continues to guide me as the term develops.
With that said...Onto my last day before the real work begins...
Until next time.

Romans 14: 8

1/16 of the journey complete

This particular blog posting has been in the drafts stage for over a month now...every few days, I sit/lay down to write out my thoughts-but instead, I end upnot transcribing my thoughts and another day passes. So, just for the sake of completion, I figured I would add a conclusion to the "first term of medical school" blog thoughts...

It's hard to write a "conclusion" when I am no where near completion. I am still stitching my thoughts together. I write- and wrote- mainly for my own processing and only shared the tippy top of the ice berg in terms of my thoughts (my personal journal from January includes 35,000 words of what really happened in Grenada). You'd like to know huh?!

Here is a QUICK summation of the past month...

Studying: Last 3-4 weeks of the term were GREAT-tough- but good.
My study group and I really pushed each other. They became my little family-the people I spent all my time with-and with the exception of sleeping-we were basically together all the time. Come August, we will definitely hit the ground running from the start.

Living situation: I remember the first day I walked into my dorm room-I had been living in a private and large loft before school-and when I first opened my dorm door-to the small space that would be my home-I was shocked. It was almost funny at how small of a space I was greeted by. Well, 5 months later, that hole in the wall measuring 8x12 of my own feet became a place that I loved coming back to to recharge after long days. It's amazing what downsizing and simplifying can do-It was my space and that was enough. I am in 'my room' now but I miss my island room-I miss my island routine. I had my notebooks, bed, clothes, running shoes, a swim suite and my computer and slept soundly each night. My secret? I prayed-I pray. I have 1 Thessalonians 5:17 on constant repeat in my mind.  I pray for school, people, family, money, my future, my present; everything.

Post midterm information included head and neck, lower limb and pelvis. Each area was somewhat interesting to me -however, my favorite topics were pre-midterm systems.

The final exam-very difficult. I waited 5 days for my results-and you can only imagine the stress of trying to enjoy being "done" all while not knowing how I did. Things ended better than expected! Of note-students at SGU must maintain a weight mean GPA of 75%+ to continue through school-when compared to students who must maintain approximately 69% to pass at schools in the USA. Interesting...

Going 'home': I flew standby home-which was a 2 week process...leaving Grenada was initially the issue-then getting stuck in Miami and LA...but I am home and believe it or not-I miss the island more than I expected I would. I mainly miss the beach. I can't quite articulate it yet-but the ocean is one of the few places I never get tired of looking out into-I am missing that the most while being home.


Upon returning home I have talked with family, friends and mentors about Grenada and school and even though I complain and talk about how things should be different down there (lack of infrastructure on the island, financial and health care and accessibility issues, politics, safety and education, public health, ignorance vs arrogance, organization and lack of, the ridiculous cost of receiving an education-specifically two letters that hold much responsibility , the way Americans act in comparison to other cultures and the differences in our standards and values, why school is organized the way it is, why some students partake in unhealthy habits to get through school, how a 3 year old Grenadian girl can independently get herself around the city without issue while I observed helicopter mothers/wives of my classmates children) -despite all of the craziness -there is really no where else I can see myself living or receiving this type of education.

I recently learned of some friends being accepted to OHSU and while that was always where I saw myself-my perspective has since changed in regards to the school I thought I would attend. I am not just content-but am now confident in where I am at.  Yes, I face some issues and will face challenges attending a school outside the USA-but after having spent 150 days with students representing 98 countries, there are systems of education, health care, government and infrastructure that are good and are not American and I fully embrace that. BUT- it's all relative to the person, situation and moment in time. "A change in place plus a change in pace =  a change in perspective" is the phrase that continually sweeps across the forefront of my mind and I know that the past 6 months are a direct result of being in Grenada and attending SGU. At this point, my interest is still mainly emergency medicine. I like thrills. I get bored fast. I like not knowing what will happen and responding in a moment.


I am excited for August 2015 to come. I just know that something good is coming and something good is in the making.


-M.H-